Confidence is the result of feeling certain of one’s value. There are 3 places we can derive this self-certainty from:
How we present - our body language, eye contact, tone, clothes
How we live - our wealth, lifestyle, profession, relationships with others
Who we are - our intentions, beliefs, relationship with ourselves
The first two sources of value are accessible and accepted. Being pre-defined, they also take less work to rely on than it does to define our unique sense of purpose. But they are circumstantial, dependent on factors outside of our internal locus of control. Over-relying on them leaves us vulnerable to change. The athlete who pins her value on her latest performance is deeply affected by an injury or a bad game. The model who believes his worth depends on his youthful appearance is threatened by aging.
Things rust, jobs get completed, relationships end, and money gets spent. The only certainty you can have about your life is that you’ll have yourself. So what aspects of ourselves can we derive certainty from? While that’s ultimately up to you to define, here are some examples:
I’m certain about my value because I know that ….
I genuinely care about what I’m doing.
no matter what, I’ll take care of myself
I will use whatever life gives me as an opportunity to learn
I intend to help myself and others.
Although I might not get everything right, I’ll always search for the truth
No life circumstance can ever take away those beliefs about yourself.
Interestingly, building your life around the deeper, unchangeable sources of confidence actually makes it easier to present and live better. When you’re no longer afraid to lose a job or friendship or house, you’re free to be more present and authentic, which often helps your lifestyle and the impression you make on others.
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When I left my FT job to start Switchback, I promised myself that I’d turn it into a successful company. I placed all my worth in how well things were going. As the launch dragged on, I felt more and more insecure. Finally, I decided to reallocate my source of certainty — away from the company’s success and towards my intention to do what I love and care about. If that results in a great business, great! If not, that’s OK, too. I explain how this mindset helped me give myself a deadline for the company’s success in my latest YouTube video.
This whole ‘defining one’s own source of value’ effort is work, but it’s worth it.
